What it Means to Be Awake
by LacrimosaDiesIlla
Summary: While I admit I felt pretty abandoned at this point, I was still naïve enough to think that everything would go back to normal, but I do not remember what delusions I used to keep myself from feeling even more alone. ONESHOT. Rated for language.


**A/N:** Okay, so I rewrote this, so it's a little less "middle school" level and a little more believable (I think). I hope that people like this version better (and actually review).

* * *

I must admit: I lead an incredibly boring life. I rarely have visitors; I live in solitude, and I have been suspended from leaving this godforsaken apartment. If only I hadn't allowed Sasuke back into my life, I might have still lived a relatively normal life, with friends and something to do from day to day.

While I did have friends, at one point, I find that now, after being isolated from the rest of the world, as though I housed some kind of contagious disease, I have few actual friends. Imagine my surprise when I discover that _Naruto_, the guy who's friends with everyone, is not actually my friend. Hell, I'm even his teammate, and yet I find myself left behind once more. In complete contrast to this, I find myself friends with the two most antisocial people I know (well, excluding Shino, probably): Hyuuga Neji and Uchiha Sasuke. Yep, the two freaking prodigies that normally wouldn't have spared me a second glance ten years ago are now my two only friends.

Neji and I became buddies after sharing a few too many drinks, after sharing a few too many mutual losses. He lost his team and I lost mine. We both lost our friends (although, his friends were probably more real than mine were). He lost his team to death, while I lost mine to power. Lee and Tenten were killed a couple of miles from Oto's border during the Fourth Great Shinobi War (about 2 years after Kabuto absorbed Orochimaru and essentially took over the shithole of a country). They were, as enemy ninja, given the "kill on-sight" status. They could have lived, but they were too determined on their mission: _gaining entry to the country; reconnaissance. _In am attempt to seem inconspicuous, they decided it would be easiest to infiltrate as civilians. Of course, posing as civilians, they could not carry nearly as many weapons as were necessary to fight in an ambush of 50 Oto-nin.

Neji, of course, was pretty devastated. As much as he hates to admit it, Team Gai was a family. They were probably one of the closest teams, only second to Team 8. At least Neji had his Gai-sensei for support, even if he declined Gai's presence most of the time. I don't particularly blame him: Lee's personality and features were obviously present in the "youthful" old man.

We both drowned our sorrows in alcohol, and came together after a particularly brutal mission, in which we suffered heavy losses and, even more mortifying for both of us, _failure_. It was a long night, not that I remember much of it, but afterwards, Neji and I shared a special bond: the one of close friends, similar to the bond I thought I shared with Naruto.

Which brings me to _my _team. Of course, after Sasuke left for Orochimaru, Naruto left with Jiraiya for a three year training expedition. While I admit I felt pretty abandoned at this point, it was not that bad, because I was still naïve enough to think that Naruto would come back and then we would go get Sasuke together. I assume that I was under the impression that everything would go back to normal after that, but I do not remember what delusions I used to keep myself from feeling even more alone. I supposed I still had Kakashi-sensei, but it didn't mean much when he would spend all of his time on missions and _ignoring me_.

And of course, three years later, Naruto comes back, and we go through _that_ whole ordeal with Gaara and the Akatsuki. I have to admit, I was actually kinda of proud of myself…until Naruto started getting all of these new powerful jutsus, and personal training with some of the strongest people I knew. I guess I just forgot that while _I_ was training and improving, so were Naruto and Sasuke. Maybe I thought that I'd made such a dramatic improvement that I at least breached their level, but after everything that happened in the couple of months following Naruto's return, I realized how wrong I was. I mean, I didn't even do anything for the stupid bell test. Naruto came up with the strategy and after that, there wasn't much to do anyway.

Okay, so back to my point: Naruto goes and _leaves me all over again_. To go chase after Sasuke, while the rest of the village is trying to clean up Pain's mess. So, I try to at least _act_ like a team, and go after him, only to be told that I basically have no idea what is really going on. I mean, something about the truth and Itachi, and he wouldn't tell me. So, I try to get back at him by making plans of my own. I meet up with Sasuke, and (as embarrassing as it is) fail miserably in my quest to kill him (_twice_). Both with interference from the (ugh) men of my team. First Kakashi-sensei and then Naruto. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm grateful they saved me, but did they really have to dismiss me right after that? I get it, they think I'm a stupid weakling, but could they at least be a little less obvious about it? Anyway, so Naruto and Sasuke have their own little discussion and then, get this, Naruto basically says that he and Sasuke are going to continue their little game of cat and mouse (snake and frog?) until they both die. Wow, guys, way to forget about me. Anyway, after that I pretty much stopped seeing Naruto. Apparently he went to some island and trained (big surprise) while everyone else was preparing for the war with Madara. So then, then next time I see him, about four years later, after the war is over, he is presenting Tsunade-sama with Madara's corpse. After which he is whisked away by several people for questioning.

Even after he's in the village for a good month or two, I still hadn't seen him. I wanted to find out what the hell was going on, and where Sasuke was if Madara was dead. I found out, no thanks to Naruto, that Sasuke was actually alive and relatively well, when he _freaking attacked me in the middle of the day_ while I was training/venting my frustrations in a forest near the outskirts of Konoha. So I got into this huge battle, and I was starting to get really pissed off because no matter what I did, Sasuke was _not getting hurt_ and I could only think that I was proud of myself for not getting hurt either. But then, in the middle of the battle Sasuke stopped, and gave the most bullcrap apology I'd ever heard. I knew it was crap, but I took it. I was still willing to be naïve and trusting if it meant that even one member of Team 7 still at least _pretended _to care about me…

So I "forgave" Sasuke, kind of, and I didn't kill him as soon as he turned his back. I even let him into my house a couple of times. That's where the mistakes came, I guess. I mean, I should have realized that having an S-rank criminal in my house would probably not be the best idea, and that I'd be in deep shit if anyone found out. In my defense, I was deluded (somehow) into thinking that Sasuke really changed. And I found out, through a few years of careful correspondence, that it was highly possible that Sasuke really did change. It was the rare event that I let Sasuke come over when Naruto decided to barge into my house. Of course, I told Naruto to calm down and be rational before he reacted to Sasuke's presence, and I thought it worked. Until, of course, Naruto grabbed my arm and practically dragged me to Tsunade's office.

I looked back to make sure Sasuke was able to escape and saw that he did, and I was just happy that Naruto didn't try to kill him or something. Anyway, so we got to Tsunade's office, and Naruto made me wait outside like a little kid. Pfft, like I couldn't handle hearing what Tsunade had to say about my punishment or whatever. Dude, I know Konoha law: I knew that I'd probably be put on probation or killed or something like that. I guess it was just one of those things that annoyed me about Naruto. I know I probably sound like a bitch talking about him like this, but this _is_ Naruto. The guy who defended Sasuke when he decided to destroy Konoha turned ME in because I was talking to him? I mean, Naruto didn't bother getting the whole story from me (which I totally would have given to him. That's more than I can say about Naruto giving ME the whole story about Sasuke and what the hell happened during those four years).

So, Tsunade came out and looked at me, her eyes full of pity and (what the hell?) regret. She just told me to follow her, and she asked me a bunch of questions. After that she kicked me out (what is WRONG with me that people seem to think I'm incapable of knowing _what is going on?_).

Naruto came out and told me that I had to move. He escorted me (probation?) to my old apartment and told me to pack as little as possible (which didn't really make sense, especially because my apartment now is really plain). So I got a bunch of clothes and whatnot, and I also packed my Team 7 photo. I dunno if I was allowed to take it with me, but no one really checked (maybe not probation?) my luggage or anything. I mean, for all they knew I could have bought a shitload of weapons with me. Which I didn't: I only bought a small set of kunai (for self defense!).

My new apartment (not so new anymore, I've lived here for a couple of years now) is very boring, with ugly white walls and a crappy bed and essentially no other furniture. I mean, it looks like it could be a hospital room if it weren't for the small kitchen area. At first, I was still allowed to leave my apartment at times, but not anymore. I didn't even do anything wrong, Tsunade just told me out of the blue that it "wasn't safe". I'm starting to really think that I have a disease or something, the way everyone's been treating me. I mean, Naruto visited me like three times in the past two years (and I know he hasn't been that busy, because my apartment has a freaking window, and I can hear his loud voice carry through the village). Tsunade visits me only for medical checkups (really, am I sick? Did Sasuke poison me? If he did, I will punch him so hard that those freaking Sharingan will fall right out of his skull…). Sometimes random acquaintances visit (Ino, Hinata, even Kiba, once) but they don't stay for very long, and they keep their distance, like I'm going to strangle them if they get too close.

Of course, my _real_ friends still visit me and actually stay long enough to hang out. I mean, _Sasuke_ and _Neji_ hang out with me, while _Ino_ won't.

I figure that Sasuke already landed me in this mess, and I probably can't get in too much more trouble if anyone finds out he's here. I mean, it's even more likely that no one will find out because no one will check up on me.

* * *

So, it's on a boring visitor-less night when I hear a quick _tap_ on my window. Yep, that's Sasuke. I let him in, and he sits down on the small chair next to my bed (it really looks like a hospital that way). I offer him food and tea, but he says that he can't stay very long. Great. I ask him if he came for any reason in particular, and he answers with a grim, "Yes."

I ask him why he's so tense, and he just grunts out, "I can't keep doing this."

Just like that, Sasuke breaks my heart all over again. The same fangirl-obsession might not still be there, but I still love Sasuke to a certain extent. I mean, as one of my only 2 real friends, I must love him. He probably saw my face contorted into pain, so he goes on to explain.

"I can't keep coming back. It's not safe for either of us. I'm an S-rank criminal, with a bounty on my head from essentially the whole world. If I keep coming here, you'll just get in more trouble," he finishes his (surprisingly) thoughtful and rational explanation. I definitely was expecting more of a rejection. I'm glad Sasuke cares about me enough to do this for my sake, but it still hurts.

I still need to find out one last thing before he leaves my life (forever?): "Sasuke, do you love me? Have you ever…?"

He waits for what seems like forever and quietly says, "No."

It's at this point I start tearing up, not because Sasuke didn't love me (I kinda expected that) but because this really is going to be the last time that I see him. I mean, it's nice to get the closure that Sasuke and I could never have worked out together, if he didn't love me.

I manage to tell Sasuke, right before he says goodbye, "Then, I hope that you don't hold me to that promise I made you…about only loving you forever."

He gives me his stupid little smirk and softly (!) says, "Yeah. I'm sure there's someone else for you, someone better for you than me. Goodbye…Sakura."

And with that he's gone: as quickly as he appeared in my life when he attacked me in the clearing.

I try to shed as few tears as possible, because at least Sasuke is still alive, and he's safe. And that's more than I can say about plenty of other people I once knew (Lee, Tenten).

* * *

It is the next morning when I hear a knock at my door. It must be Neji, so I open the door, letting him see my tear-stained face. He asks me what happened and I can barely manage telling him that Sasuke is gone.

He looks so relieved in that moment and his eyes (_mesmerizing white eyes_) are full of hope.

I don't know what he knows about Sasuke, so I explain what happened. His face goes back to being impassive, and his eyes go flat. I tell him that Sasuke can at least be safe now, and we aren't tied down to one another, and Neji just clenches his fists. I ask him why he hates Sasuke so much, because Sasuke and Neji are both my friends, and they shouldn't hate each other, at least for my sake.

Neji holds me in a tight embrace and whispers, "_It's because Sasuke is not here…_"

* * *

_Sasuke died in Naruto's clash with Madara during the Fourth Great Shinobi War. His body was transported to a different dimension by Madara's Sharingan during the battle, and Naruto was the only witness of Sasuke's death. Naruto never had the heart to tell Sakura that Sasuke was dead, but he realized that was a mistake when he went to Sakura's apartment one day to hear her telling him to not hurt Sasuke because they were teammates, and teammates shouldn't fight with one another. Naruto took Sakura to Tsunade to check for signs of mental trauma or sickness. Tsunade confirmed that Sakura was, in fact, a mild schizophrenic. In order to reduce the danger that she was to the other citizens of Konoha, Tsunade moved Sakura to the ward for mental patients at the hospital. _

_

* * *

_

**A/N:** Alright, tell me what you think PLEASE. Especially if you read the older version, because I think this is a lot better. So yeah, please review, because then I can improve and whatnot. Yo, I'll even take flamers if they have constructive criticism among all the fire. :D_  
_


End file.
